copyright 2012 by Russ Hodge
Preliminary draft of the Minutes from the 9,154,388,279,911,101,314th meeting of the Committee for Intelligent Design
Sub-subgroup: Exploratory Committee on Multicellular Organisms
Sub-sub-sub-subgroup: Worms with a tubular form
Please make any corrections you see fit before we circulate the final version of the minutes.
Attendance: All 9,453 members of the committee were present; the Head of the Department of Viral Engineering was out with a cold and was replaced by his deputy.
The Big Boss called the meeting to order and introduced the agenda with a plea that presenters stick to their allotted times so that there would be ample time for questions. He noted, with a bit of irony, that he has over seven billion other meetings with other subcommittees to attend, and these all need to take place within the next few minutes. To a proposal that he simply expand the fabric of time to allow for special cases, the Big Boss said, “You can only stretch things so far before things get out of hand; the first four days have already expanded to fill up about 12 billion years. And in my experience, speakers are always willing to talk and talk until they fill whatever time is allotted to them. And I have a vacation planned in three days and I am not willing to postpone the flight another time.” (Discussion closed.)
Minutes of last meeting read and approved.
Continuation of the discussion on Means for Creating Multicellular Organisms.
The Working Group on Worms in a Tubular Form got up to give a PowerPoint presentation with their proposals for a basic body plan. They had, however, saved the presentation in the wrong format and had to run it from an iPad provided by the Biochemistry Department. An appropriate adaptor plug had to be requisitioned from Technical Resources. Then the bulb on the beamer burned out. The Big Boss tapped his fingers impatiently on the table and finally expanded time by ten minutes until things could get straightened out.
During this period the Working Group on bacteria once again raised its motion that unicellular life was fine (supported by the WG on Archaea); they repeated their basic objection to eukaryotes with the claim that once DNA was packed in a cell nucleus, it was especially susceptible to mutations due to the inherent flaws in physical chemistry (noting their previous objection to the creation of DNA) unless you intervened in every chemical reaction and made sure that every single nucleotide was faithfully reproduced. He reported on several cases in which entire regions of DNA had been duplicated, extra chromosomes were acquired, genes were deleted, etc. And that might lead to Evolution, a process which violates the Charter on the Rules of the Universe as Decreed by the Big Boss.
The head of the committee on Eukaryotes pointed out that bacteria likewise underwent mutations, in fact, at a much more rapid pace because the organization of its DNA into circular plasmids permitted them to swap genetic material during S-x.
The representative of the Committee on Occam’s Razor (C.O.R.) once again requested that it should be permitted to pronounce words like S-x without leaving out letters. To which the Committee on Propriety (C.O.P.) replied that in the Charter on the Rules of the Universe as Decreed by the Big Boss, S-x was entered in the Database of Dirty Words.
C.O.R.: Even when it refers to bacteria?
C.O.P.: Yes, they stick those disgusting spaghetti tube things into each other. The only way to stop it is to put them in a blender. You should have listened to us when we objected to S-x in the first place.
The Big Boss gaveled for Order and the Subgroup began its presentation.
Summary: the Working Group proposes a simple, tubular body plan with a mouth on one end and an anus on the other. The form is modular: the head region may be connected to the tail by a number of segments which, for all practical purposes, should be virtually identical. The segments have “nubs” on the side (note to Department of Terminology: create appropriate Latin term) which could be used, at a later date, as the base for filaments or appendages.
Questions raised: Why are the middle segments necessary? Why can’t the thing have just a head and an anus?
Response of the committee: Some system of legs or fibers may be desirable, in new species in the long term, for locomotion, which might be required to find food.
Question: Why can’t the food simply be brought to the worm?
Response of the committee: This is desirable because of previous decisions which made unicellular organisms mobile. As the Big Boss stated during that meeting, “Otherwise everything will have to live on its own dung heap.” And no mechanism had yet been invented to attract food to the creature intended to eat it, except for magnetism, and adding a magnet to the worm body plan and magnetism-sensing proteins to all of its prey would require an unacceptable number of interventions in existing species. And that would be forbidden by the decree under the Charter on the Rules of the Universe as Decreed by the Big Boss: “Once invented, no species may undergo significant changes outside of a standard range of deviation.”
Call for clarification by the Department of Terminology (D.O.T.): We still don’t have a technical definition of the term “species”. (Groans around the table).
The Department chair was reminded that the problem has been referred to Subcommittee.
D.O.T.: Well why is it taking them so bloody long?
(General silence; D.O.T. will be fined at the standard rate for using a Dirty Word; the amount will be determined by the C.O.P. and notification will be sent through the Billing Department. C.O.P. stated: “And this time please provide the correct account number!” The chair of D.O.T. smirked.)
Comment by the representative of the Committee on Flatworms: Why are a mouth and an anus even necessary? Why can’t the worm simply absorb nutrients through its skin, like flatworms do?
Response by the Subgroup: We’ve been over and over and over this; if you want thicker animals you have got to invent a digestive tract and some sort of circulatory system, because due to the nature of cells (casting a dirty look at the chair of the Subgroup on Cells) nutrient molecules won’t simply diffuse to the inner organs.
At this point the Big Boss remembered a note from the last meeting on Flatworms and called for a status update on the Planarium problem. “The d-mned things just won’t die,” he said. “You cut off the head and the tail grows a new one. H-ll, I’ve chopped one up into about 300 pieces and each one of them grows into a whole new worm. What measures are being taken to prevent the things from just covering the whole d-mned planet?”
Response from the rep. of the Committee on Flatworms: We have put in a special application for the creation of several species of predators.
Comment from the Big Boss: “Well, just make sure the predators die. And make sure that when a planarium passes through their digestive system, it gets broken down into molecules. If the cells go through intact we’ll still be stuck with the same problem.”
Comment by the chair of the Subgroup on Dictyostelium: Why can’t the cells of the worm simply disband, seek out food on their own, and then reunite?
Intervention by the Big Boss: “Dictyostelium was an interesting experiment, but it’s hard to find the things when you need one. First of all, they’re so small I can’t see them without my bifocals, and second, you can never tell when they’re likely to group up to form a worm, or one of those dandelion-like things, and those are liable to blow up any time they get hungry.” He requests an update on the Dictyostelium Disaster from the Research and Development department.
Chair of R&D: We’ve traced the problem to an error made by the Department of Mathematics and Physics; they did not properly calculate the force required by the cell adhesion molecules. Dictyostelium cells only stick together when the system has an optimal level of energy – in other words, when they’ve been fed. The problem was detected too late in the design process without sending the whole thing back to subcommittee or violating the law on standard permissible variation within an existing species.
Comment from the Department of Terminology: (Cut off before the standard request for definition could be made.)
Question from the Subgroup on Technical Innovation: Why is it that every time we invent a new species, we have to stick to the same conservative biochemistry? Why can’t we please, please, just once make an organism from scratch and not have to integrate all these past designs which, if you ask me, makes things way too complicated? Instead of integrating genes from bacteria and archaea into eukaryotes, we should have just junked the past and started over.
Answer from R&D: I quote from the basic Statutes on Biodegradability: “Any new organism which is created must adhere to basic chemical and physical laws and their subcomponents must be degradable by other organisms in the ecosphere as a means of energy conservation.”
Comment from the Chair of Physics: Our calculations demonstrate that violating this principle would require a constant, massive influx of supernatural energy into the Earth environment to support higher life forms on the scale we have planned.
Comment from Astrophysics: And we would like to state once again, for the record, that when you guys started inventing biochemistry, we told you to make a system that would withstand supernovae. But did you listen? Well, did you??
The Big Boss allowed one final question before moving to adjournment.
The chair of the Subgroup on Multicellular Organisms: We would just like to point out that these meetings take up a vast amount of time. I have consulted with all the Subcommittees and the Head of R&D and the Technical Support Groups and we would like to ask for an amendment, or at least a special waiver, in the Prohibition on Speciation under the Rules of the Universe as Decreed by the Big Boss. Once the basic worm plan has been established, we could just let the rules of chemistry and physics alone and we’d get a plethora of advanced species.
The chair of the Subgroup on Geology points out: For God’s sake, man, the Cambrian period is coming up and you’d get some kind of explosion!
The Big Boss patiently pointed out that Rules were Rules.
The chair asked for a voice vote on the general plan for tubular worms as presented; the majority approved; the chair of the Subgroup on Dictyostelium objected; D.O.T. and C.O.P. abstained. The chair pointed out that C.O.P. didn’t have a vote and couldn’t “abstain”.
The Big Boss said: “Change the record to record that.”
Conclusion: The plan for tubular worms should be submitted to R&D for working out the details. They should present a final proposal at the next meeting, to be held in one minute.
R&D submitted their routine request for an expansion of time because of a heavy workload. “Refer to our minutely report,” the chair said. “Check Appendix 412. We have 8 trillion ongoing projects.”
The request was denied.
The Big Boss stroked his beard, consulted the time in picoseconds on his large, gold pocketwatch, and adjourned the meeting.